Don't talk back
On angry workplaces, traffic tickets, and a potent explanation for why so many full-grown adults act like children having temper tantrums
Scholarly research points to a contagion effect that goes along with incivility in the workplace. While social virality seems to explain some things, and certain social conditions may be raising some tempers, it also seems increasingly evident that lots of people were raised with a bunch of negative rules against which they feel like rebelling as adults, rather than being raised with positive or aspirational rules that give them guides for growth.
■ Negative rules, like "Don't talk back", are quick and easy for an adult to dispense. See the undesirable behavior, then issue an edict against it. Not much thought required.
■ Affirmative rules, like "Speak to others like you want them to speak to you", are usually a little harder to concoct. Usually not much more than the time required to take a single deep breath, but often more than frazzled adults want to take.
■ While negative rules are sometimes necessary, especially in a pinch ("Don't touch that hot stove!"), they're harder to follow. They are literally more challenging to process cognitively. They set up constraints, and it's hard for even adult minds to know where all of those different boundaries lie: In the words of Warren Buffett, "If a cop follows you for 500 miles, you're going to get a ticket."
■ Aspirational or affirmative rules are harder for the rule-maker to concoct, but much easier to follow because they offer a pathway for the curious young mind. "Don't make a mess" puts the burden on the child to know what qualifies as a mess and what to do about it. The affirmative alternative is simply, "Clean up after yourself", which gives them a behavior to adopt rather than a punishment to avoid. Affirmative rule-making helps to structure a growth mindset in the developing young brain: One can strive towards greater compliance with a positive goal, while a negative boundary can only be violated.
■ Too many people act as though defiance is their dominant personality characteristic. As they get older and have more resources and power at their disposal, the damage their defiance can do increases as well. It's an anti-social feedback loop, the seeds of which were often sown decades before.
